18.4.11

draining of the dam

i was going to look up to see why the city feels funny this evening.  well, then i realized exactly why- it's another full moon.  with weather like today- we had hail, flurry, slit, rain at 45' angle, sunshine, everything, it is impossible not to look up when everything suddenly look crisp clear.  yep, it's rather cold for april as well.  egg moon for the april.  this year, it falls on tomorrow.

last year, it fell on 28 april 2010.

on that egg moon of 2010, i was waiting for you, gabe.  in kelowna. in a bizarre hotel room where everything looked slick yet it clearly wasnt up to the class it wanted to be. like the wall that looks okay until you realize something isnt at the right angle or something. the wall that's been repainted from another batch of paint. your friends were quietly talking amongst themselves and mike dropped into the conversation. i was probably writing.  desperately.

356 days ago.

identification.  i met you in a complete silence on 28th. as everyone withdrew and left me and you alone, i said a few things to you. but i didnt shed any tears. there wasnt any.  i was building a dam.  to hold my thoughts. emotions. i pulled in all strength i could possibly gather, and i wondered if i will crack and i will crumble. but then who would take care of you? of us?  i was mad busy trying to find a priest so mom could be at peace knowing that you had a religious rite.  doing the very best we could, to send you with most care possible.

on 29th, we found a priest so he can wish you a good trip back to dust.  and i sent you off. i signed the papers. and they came and got you. took you to the fire, where you became free again.

free, even of gravity.

30th, it was an interception at the airport. i hid you underneath my jacket when the plane took off and landed. i was determined that i wasnt going to put you under the seats! night of 30th, your friends sprinkled by.  to say they are sorry.  your best buddy didnt know how he was going to get through your funeral.  but we all did. on mayday, just like that, you were lowered, with chunks of our hearts.

and day after day, night after night, the dam collects thoughts about you. of you. regarding you.
and luckily, there are enough 'outs,' like blood-letting. and like a patient who believes in blood letting and hence benefiting from the placebo, i keep draining the dam periodically, so i wont burst.

http://images.drivebc.ca/bchighwaycam/pub/html/www/96.html
yep. webcam on highway 97 on okanagan connector.
this is what i found today. the point you rolled off. i didnt go to see it so i cant be entirely sure, but i bet there's only one 'connector,' as the rcmp officer said, that kills regularly.  it looks dangerous. trecherous. curvy deadly roads of inner b.c.  but that doesnt really matter anymore to me.  perhaps it was your time to go.  i will probably look at that webcam periodically.  i love you and you are always in my heart. wee brother.

a year ago on 18 april, i had no idea what was going to happen.  even the egg moon was a bit far away.  but it is here now. and it brought flood of thoughts.  like an egg, another symbol of life and life's mysteries.  well, i suppose if i ask a jew, they will say that is is also a symbol of sacrifice and loss, sitting on the seder plate.  egg, from the outside, often holds answers to great expectations- is it alive? shall we wait? how or what would come out of it?

your memories and your presence keep evolving in my mind. an unrestful, but playful little fish brother in the small dam in my heart.  like the life that exists in that delicate shell.

i love you wee bro.

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