what was i going to say *blank

i just came back from un-monkey-like pub visit on a sunday evening.  it was a nice pint- well, two half pints. yes. i know. logically makes no sense, but as a wee drinker, that's how i must roll- halfer at a time.  we went to the pub to celebrate amazing bassoon kiddie's recital- an event that i have been looking forward for a long time.

i always think of a moose calf whenever i see him.  he's quiet. not in a great hurry.  but not because he doesnt have things to say/think. i think it's the opposite, really.  he's busy thinking and processing, like the way a little moose calf chews on prairie grass. and just like a calf that have lived through a winter, he's not easily fazed or swayed. and most of all, such a great smile! when he approached to me to work with him, i was glad. smile was enough of a sign.

november is always full of mayhem and vagabonds, unexpected near-disasters and comically in comprehensive situations.  we worked through november, despite of bit nutty schedule and loads of responsibilities, juggling and juggling.  i wish that we could have more time rehearsing. but that's always going to be the case i suppose.    i tried as much as i could to prepare but nothing beats working together, esp. when one has to play with another.

long story short, i missed a bar in saint-saens bassoon sonata.  second movement. the 'uncomfortable'spot.  was it the long day/week that i was pulling? was it the lack of rehearsal? was it just 'meant to be'? was it physical mis-execution? i have no idea.

what i know is that for a bar, i was completely blank and that have not have happened to me in a very long time.  and luck has nothing to do with it.  in a weird sense, i ve been trying to come up with some sort of contingency plan for the unplanned events, such as complete 'blank out.'  i analyse, study, do structural mapping, practice things in odd ways and unnecessary combinations so that ideally, i can always stay on course.

but i wasnt there. a whole bar.

what's in a bar?

well, i just watched the video of the recital- there is only a very small 'missing' part.  we got back on alright and continue to ride to the end.  may be hardly perceptable.  without looking at the score (where i remember being lost), it is difficult even for me to find that place.  but you see, without that bar, the entire piece does not exist.  it would be a different bar. and saint-saens, who i begin to appreciate more and more,  wrote this piece in his last years in algeria (86 years old), not attached to anyone but of his dogs- this is the penultimate composition of a child prodigy who had his debut at salle pleyel at the old farty age of ten.  then yes... that one bar matters. not to mention it felt as if i was being lost in some dark water for full 5 minutes (or even longer).

the most regretful things is that i did think of doing additional work for that one bar- as it felt tricky for no reason at all, till well, i dropped the ball today. darn it. i shouldve analyzed. i shouldve memorized, fingersing, shoulder positions, everything i could possibly think of, i should have. but november being november and me being lazy, i blamed the month and skipped work.

everyone thinks it's a no biggie. well, missing the bar wasnt the biggie. after this blog post, i am going to analyse and i am going to know it inside out. i am not binded by the incident with anger or frustration.  i did end up shedding a few tears among friends because i was not happy about it.  that i missed a bar.  and the fact this was one of those performances that i really wanted to do better than i can.  and i overreached. and fall. if briefly.

no one likes to make mistake. but in this case, i wanted this recital to go well not for myself, but for the moose calf boy who has been busting himself to get ready for it.  and i wanted to be the best support he could have had. and that particular bar, i shouldve prepped self for that one bar. 'should have' is always a dangerous thing to see on a page. haha.

anyways, things happen and i find it odd that i was welling up with tears not because for self, but because i wanted to be the very best i could be for someone else.  and i really mean it, no false modesty or anything.  well, i wonder what i could do to make the situation better- i will learn the part and i will memorize it, good for life i hope.  my emotions, well, i am okay. it's done with. and i have come up with an idea to offer him something, not because he complained but because i want to make it 'right' for the bar i missed.

otter boy said: now i understand partially why you say 'music is only music.'

that's right. music is only music but life can become music.  and in this case, me wanting to be the very best i could be for the moose calf kiddie, it was an idea that was larger than the reality of today.  and with this recital finished, i shall get rid of silly tears that welled up, as they are out and done with, and move onto being myself: get on with it, it's only music. and rejoice the fact that there are people that inspire me to try to be greater than me at the present point. and i will try rise to it, even if it involves couple falls, here and there.

congrats moose calf kiddo! you were awesome today.
i will try to do better and hopefully next time, i will be there for you, as much as i can be and i want to be- and we shall simply play music, without tears or frustrations. we'll be what we will be- impractical yet passionate people, making music at that given point of life.