9.2.12

i know better than to say sorry


i have THE best mother.

though, she's got a bit of issue with time management.  her aim of doing her very best often means that she's out of time- so she always takes piece of her own time to give to someone else, or rather, to someone else's wish that may be trivial for them, but not to her.

a passing comment may result in days of efforts, perhaps a sure surprise for the recipient, who was completely clueless.  i cant help but be exasperated at times,
come on mom, they arent going to notice-
why are you wasting time? you only go to work from 5am till 10pm-
she simply says: it's never a waste.

she also simply say: im dead tired.
mother's a hearty stock, she's a real working donkey.
she carries the weight of the loved ones in her heart, all the time.
even the wee one who left this world a bit too untimely.
i bet in recent chaos of granny heart fiasco, she cant help but to think the little marker on the ground, of her little one, who wouldve been all over the family members, dictating and making noise, as if he have healed granny, of course, with a sly wink.
her eyes may be red and teary
but she wont say anything real.
she'll simply say: im dead tired.

last couple weeks has been demanding,
may be im not doing it right, may be i should be smarter,
more efficient, work harder,
but at the moment, i am failing a bit,
loose ends here and there, tempers get better of me at times.

mom carefully called to ask how the meeting with home visit with the social worker. all i could think was the fact i had to repeat the same things over and over again in recent weeks, as i had to translate, then discuss, translate back, only to report back hours later.

of course, if she had the time to do it, she wouldve done it. there's no doubt.  she is, however, at work, 5am to 10pm. inhumane schedule. perhaps inhuman. i really wanted to call her after the meeting, but the day took better of me. chasing after people, scores, dropped notes (why i now really have to work better and faster- i just dont really know how... who shall i ask for a guidance? i feel rather stuck)-

when she called, i was on the backstage of the hall, feeling a bit skeptical: really, i do this for how much? is this what im worth? i cant even take mom's call? i didnt even have the time to call her during the day?

*for reference, today was:
09-10 nurse meeting
10-11 get to school
11-1230 desperate practice
1230-2 rehearsal
2-3 getting lost and then found for reh.
4-430 reading with heron lady
430-530 audition playing stuff
630-945 backstage
which left: 3-4 and 530-630 for emails/score binding/finding things/calling/food/sanity/etc.

so at 10pm, with her careful question: please, do tell,
i just lost my sanity for a bit: do tell about what and where and how?
and it went, the rage, for couple minutes.
then sobering silence in my head.
like a big gunshot.

i am sorry mom.

i will be better tomorrow.
shit, i am already trying to be better.
sorry ma, im still nothing like you.
you say it's okay,
i say it's not.
i promise that i will try to be better.
like you.
i am sorry i cant promise i will be better.
you give so much and i see that.
then i should give you something back at least.
so that you wont be so empty and worn.
i dare not say that i love you.

not in the way that i can smile and speak.
but i hope you know.
i am sorry-
i will try to be better.
we dont know if there'll be tomorrow,
but i know
that i can always do better.

i do love you mom.

3 comments:

  1. 그녀는 이해할 것이다 .

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are the best... thank you for this very humane description of your Mom

    ReplyDelete
  3. I loved reading these beautiful words. Thank you for your share and I hope all is going right to you and your closest ones.

    ReplyDelete