23.3.12

a full bloom in borrowed summer day of march

past couple days been completely crazy- canada in march, pushing the mercury above 20'c. how did that happen? i have no idea, but seeing that the forecasters are auguring for dropping back to somewhat more reasonable temps (though depending on who you are looking up, the ranges vary from the low single digit to low teens), literally everyone has been out walking in the sun. with no jackets. no hats or mittens. even umbrellas, though the rainstorm has been promised (boo, it wouldve been a perfect ending to the day to have a proper spring night storm).

and this week has been the week of sanity- finally catching up time. i did the taxes, went to see a brand new baby of friends, one of my great friend came to stay overnight, and with all the empty times (yet to have another completely free day though- i had one since i came back in january), i wondered why i dont have anyone to call to go have a pint with.

oops. that's right. ive been working evenings the whole time. when people play (weekend and evenings), ive been not available.  having irregular schedule makes it a bit hard to sync the times with regular scheduled folks. well, perhaps it's that i do not have so many friends and they are scattered all over the place.  surely, i have enough interaction with people through work- but that's work, which puts the relationship in a different place altogether.

today was another irregular day (blame the strange weather! haha), it was the long-anticipated cardiologist appt for granny. this could tell either really good news or terrible news- well, verdict:

see you next year.
hooray for granny for doing well.

a small glitch in the day was that ive promised mom to get some silk flowers for gabe, to pass on to granny.  well, when i got there- the shop was gone! with a small poster saying: we moved!  oh well, suppose i will have to do it later...

with the sun eating down on the sidewalk, i did walk a bit in the unseasonal, nutty humid daylight.  found the shop. and started to pick up flowers. these silk flowers are the best ones in town, i think.  i did look everywhere to find the best ones, as the flowers are for mom. mom who has lost her little one. the life that will always miss a corner, the bit that cannot be refilled.

so i picked a whole bunch. dropped enormous ( ! ) (haha) amo. of money for them.

and i walked home.

through the silver-reflected sunglasses (so they cant see where i look!), i saw so many people break out in smiles as they saw these bunch of flowers.  5pm rush hour.  urbanites getting away from their daily grind. a small bouquet of flowers. small ripples of smiles.

i wondered what they thought of it. i wondered if they ever tried to guess what the occasion may have been. an old couple looked at me at a red light and said: who is the lucky recipient? and i said: my family.

my family that will always have one seat empty.

i came home and sat down. looked outside- the city full of unusual excitement over the glorious summer days in march.  i realized that we cannot bring the flowers till 1 april, the first day that cemetery re-installs the bronze vases for the outside plots.  by then, we may be back in cooler days.  but these flowers, unlike the early, busy growing ones on trees and greens, they wouldnt know about cooler days. they will still live in their eternal temperature-

i crumbled.

for the loss that is irrecoverable.

for the flowers that will pause in silence while the days and nights will constantly change around them.

an effort to heal and caress the wound that will never heal.  a mother with empty cornered heart. a family who has been shattered and now carries the crack deep within, like cracked and fixed porcelain.

the day continued into night and then now to another day.  silk flowers quietly waiting in the corner of the house, wondering what the fuss is about this warm weather. about the impermanence of this so called 'passing life' and things in life that will never change.

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