4.11.12

'how to disappear completely'


as we give up an hour of a day, the official 'sinking' into the depth began last night.

right after samhein and hurricane sandy, i cant help but to think this autumn was brutal. beautiful but brutal. as if the bright reds of fading trees can share so much with torn flesh of a dying animal, blood leaving the body, eyes hazing over the last bit of breath.

perhaps things look even more gruesome when juxtaposed with brilliance of life- it is the death of youth that is tragic and beautiful, not death of the old.

there has been too much drama in monkey life, right from the start of september. and it is showing no sign of ending. it is almost sad that i do not possess the courage or the strength to write publicly about all the issues that has came up and that has left marks.  is it cowardice or is it the right political move? i cannot tell them apart anymore, not at this point.  all i know is that it is not realistic to write it out to the world.

after all, i do have a real thing to worry about: renovation for the apartment. sigh.

perhaps it is not realistic to express  to the world what i really think and believe.

may be when people say they want to know and they do appreciate, they really say they wish they already knew and they want to be appreciated.

after all, as general public, we want it easy. we say we want fairness, but what we say is we wish it was fair.

just as they say, it is for the good of the people, though it really is good for 'them.'

and perhaps it is inevitable, after such beautiful summer of freedom and real friendship, life back in the grind can suffocate you gradually but slowly.

ive been broken for awhile.
only difference is that now im crumbling.
piece by piece, to floor.
to stepped on further,
as people say: oh i am sorry. of course you matter.
but i understand, of course, as you say, what you mean to say.

and it's okay.

brief look at the photos from nyc on nytimes after the hurricane makes me even more unsure about my own 'right' to 'complain' about this 'horrid' life. perhaps it is simpler than that. may be it's just another re-encounter with reality, with its harshness and fury.

as i wondered downtown with hint of yuletide madness in the air (it is madness isnt it?), i cannot help to think that it really doesnt matter. that i dont really matter. which is the truth.  the world will go on, just as it always has.  as i give up the 'right' to care about self-existence, there it goes, importance of my own life.

just like the leaves blowing in the wind, soon to become lightest dust, may be i want to disappear.

...in a little while
i'll be gone
the moment's already passed
yeah, it's gone.
im not here
this isnt happening
im not here...

(from how to disappear completely, kid A, radiohead)

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