for a friend. for myself.

(adolphe willette, pierrot dances beneath the moon; detail of cartoon frm le chat noir, jan 17, 1885)

 ...i suppose the weight of- or rather, the emptiness of (departed life friend) weighs heavy on your heart on such times. it does make me curious to think why or how the weather does it.

toronto's been covered in snow and it does funny things to my heart, especially with he space i keep for my brother. like empty corner in a busy room, it often gets cluttered with other things, however, it is always there. just for him.

the moon does it as well (darn you moon!) for me- i was in charge of getting him back home (he died far away in west coast) and helping fam with funeral, i didnt really have the room to break things down and depressurize. but it did come, couple weeks later, in june, in full moon.

and as it approaches another full moon on 26th, i quietly clean away that corner again, so i may sit in the middle of it and let thoughts of him sit with me still. it is unavoidable. it cannot be helped. however i may find it joyous at times, that i still have my brother so close to my heart. no matter how clustered life gets around me. that he's afresh, anew and perhaps more living in my mind than he could ever have thought possible.

sending you warmest greetings. as life often gets better with simplest gestures. with many thoughts, small monkey


  1. Sometimes grief takes time to take shape before you can even start to think about healing... especially when swept up by the pragmatic side of loss. My thoughts are with you on this day of full moon.

  2. the clouds hid it away here on the full, but I looked up into a clear sky on the 27th and there it was, with just a tiny bit shaved off the edge. I remember each time I see it like that.