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Showing posts from 2016

musing at the food court

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santa went up last week in yorkville. my retail job at swiss chocolate shop finished christmas decoration about two weeks ago.  tis the time of giving, we say, and we see it all over, with glistening lights and sparkles.  christmas adverts are out on telly and some are quite touching. last saturday, as i had 20 min to spare to my planned journey, i decided to get a quick snack at the eaton centre's foodcourt, then walk through the underground PATH to get to TSO, noseda, bollani show- my favourite, ravel g major piano concerto was on the program and i was certain that it would be spectacular (and it was!) i forgot that it's christmas time.  the mall was heaving with people, with bags everywhere, families in tow, lots and lots and LOTS of stress. get gifts, get stressed! how did i miss that slogan. i took a seat at the communal long table and as i slurp my sustenance served in real china bowl and real spoon and fork, i started to people watch. there were a few ver

the girl over balcony

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tis sunday. i had  non-9am (or earlier!) start, awesome. so i rolled in bed in sunshine for a bit, then headed out to fill my fridge, which has been sitting kinda empty as the days been quite bustling. i often walk to chinatown, along dundas on quiet weekend mornings to go get my groceries.  before the city wakes up for festivities, shopping, meetings, brunch and dinners, tis a quite a different place. as the weather is turning colder, you may see few cocoons of homeless people. an empty cab driving around. sometimes small hoard of people exiting the bus station. this is the time that i do not need to listen to anything carefully, so i usually walk without a 'soundtrack.'  bare eared, no headphones, earphones or filters. just the quiet hum of the city. then came an unexpected sound. it took me a bit to figure out where it was coming from - i looked around me, and started to scan- and there it was, upward. such loud bird? but it wasnt a bird on the balcony wall. t

the midnight song from long-forgotten summer sea

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when i was a very young kid, i was sent to the seaside, once every summer. my mother was youngest of pack of six, and since mom and dad both were from seoul, we didnt really have direct family relations out of the city.  luckily, a few of her sisters' in-laws had places out of the cities, so mom would ever so carefully pack a backpack for me, for a few days, and my eldest girl cousins would take me with them, to the seaside. that particular summer, my cousins decided that i was old enough to make choices. i made many mistakes. on way down, on the train, i gorged on salty and fatty snacks. i was allowed dip my own fingers into the bags, take however much i wanted.  silly me, i made myself very ill, very quickly.  i remember desperately putting my head out of the moving train, throwing up.  my cousins wiped my face with cool, wet tissues, half-amused and half-grossed out.  in midst of such mess, i remember looking up. i still remember how blue the sky was. mom and dad,

is money an emotional device?

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staying in england during brexit, having loved ones' birthdays (happy b day, granny, mom, julian!), observing rio 2016 preparations and travelling through several different economic regions sthis summer, i become, once again, curious of money as an emotional thing. recently i have heard from a young one (early 20s) that he thinks he figures that he wont have much and he never really will; this was quite a surprise. in cambodia, they were using us dollars as base currency, because their own currency, riels, is too weak to actually have much purchasing power. i changed my 20 american dollars to riels and learned it the hard way. this is the summer where things are not costing me exactly double (when spending in pounds), which allowed me to head out to barcelona to see a dear friend. there, we paid fairly (and handsomely) for one of the most beautiful projects in the world, sagrada. in london, my wallet leaks.  london trasit capping at about 10 pounds, and zone 1 travel comma

dying for scampi and chips

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rescued people from the notorious seafood slavery business http://interactives.ap.org/2015/seafood-from-slaves/ yesterday, at grocery store, j was looking for some shrimps to buy, which led to this little video that ive seen awhile ago. https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2014/jun/10/supermarket-prawns-thailand-produced-slave-labour a short summary: 1. thailand's shrimp industry is one of the biggest in the world, and if you have bought shrimps in discount at local groceries, you probably bought the ones that are related to this modern day slavery. looking back at my southeast travel this summer, i do believe that the industry's full of human trafficking and illegal trades (especially from lesser robust economies such as myanmar and laos), and that there are just not enough attention to be paid for human rights or labour issues. 2. most of seafood comes from wild-harvesting, not 'farming.'  there are only very few species that we can succes

after june- HOME!

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behold, khao soi @ khao soi samerjai, chiang mai, 60 bahts from end of may, it's been a whirlwind of movements- to eastcoast, back to toronto, hop on the plane, go to spain for yet another brilliant birthday trip, then off on solo sojourn in northern thailand and cambodia, and now, finally back home. which home: my close friends will ask. bouncing between two home, of yyz and man, the concept of home is a very simple one for me.  it's place where i feel 'at home,' with loved ones, where i can let my guard down (did you know that sleeping in new places keeps your brain up? so home is a place that wont happen) https://www.newscientist.com/article/2085409-sleeping-away-from-home-half-your-brain-is-still-awake/ with the ongoing situations of refugees all over the world, fight to keep doors closed to others (brexit or us election campaign, anyone?), very real face of poverty i saw in asia (especially in phnom pehn), i am certainly appreciative of calm of home

quod vide

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beresford, new brunswick spring 2016 summer sun rose, with humid air, pearly blanket that holds on to every bit of heat. we had no spring to speak of, not the ones with cherry blossoms scattered on street, for each step to be dyed pale pink. nevertheless, the leaves came. they unfurl, grow, towards the sun, unafraid, no waiting, certainty. tulips will fade soon,  lights long and hot, water glass covered in dew. mirage. on the road. cars. houses. people. departing soon, to east to east to east where i will chase the sun, of stories, not of mine, but to make it mine. but for now, im a pool of blue. a small puddle of blue. but it will lift, like a fog, once i am airborne. if you blinked you wouldve missed spring. like a bubble, it was, this year. started so tiny, filled up with hope and air, and it popped. gone. it was beautiful. and it wont ever return again. when i go back to my heart to revisit, it will change,

short thoughts on mothers day

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mother wanted to sleep. i clearly did not. mother sang to me. i cried and fidgeted. colicky baby. mother wanted to teach me. i wanted to teach her. mother wanted me to say yes. i said nothing, stormed out. mother left me a message. in frustration, i pressed '7' immediately. then regretted as soon as i hung up the voice mail. i call back with smile, with smidgen guilt. i give her advice. i buy her iron supplements. i gently pull her away from extra groceries, as cart is full and so is my fridge. she cant stop though. what if mother wasnt there to tell me all the things im doing wrong of the importance of my wacky haircuts inquiring about my incomes as musicians always seem to be in brink of debt packing me way too much food that i leave half of it in the car what if i think of calling her up texting silly cartoon emoticons and nothing came back one day time will flow and i will have to look inside to find her that she is there may

congrats sir, mr. hartenberger of nexus!

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today, my work brought me to a quite an important junction point of many people's lives: russell hartenberger's retirement concert at the faculty of music, full of percussionists of all ages and times. especially the young ones. snowy april, dreadful outside. but people trickled in all afternoon, carrying snare drums, for the snare drum olympics (haha this is an annual ritual… i wonder if i can find a vid clip of it); and by 730pm, the walter hall lobby was full of friends, families, students, mentors, just people who shared memories, laughters and marking of passage of time. all these people came because they have been given something real when they crossed prof hartenberger+nexus. nexus is bit special, the first percussion group that became a western classical music standard format.  AND they are all good people. throughout their entire career, life and performance. https://youtu.be/h2Rm8oFIMmk *here's a lovely performance from 1980s! i have seen them in so man

... he who eats my bread lifted up his heel against me...

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caravaggio: kiss of judas, c. 1602 often people are surprised to learn that i used to be a catholic bible study champion in entire city of seoul, way back when i was twelve. i remember meeting the cardinal for the ceremony.  wearing my sunday best, eyes casting down, i was somewhat confused what the big deal was, as i have not learned how big, powerful and old the catholic tradition was.  after all, south korean isnt one of the 'traditional' catholic countries.  my dad, upon religion shopping, chose catholicism for the family (a whole another story about that).  since my mother was heavily involved in the local church community, i grew up with loads of bible stories in my childhood. some things did not make sense and some things raised questions rather than answers.  but as a little kid, most of my life didnt make much sense, so i just chose to let the differences go and did my bible studies.  the fact there was a league and i could do well in it was a big draw for a

pursuit of happiness: born to be blue: about chet baker...

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https://youtu.be/hma1ug9Rl6w *could have been: by david braid born to be blue- the initial interest for this movie came from a small update from a dearest friend during TIFF 2015: hey, i wrote movie tracks- argh, it was not possible to get to the sold-out showing then.  finally, today, coupla months later, i cleared schedule to go see it as it's doing a briefest stint of a week at the lightbox.  the project intersected so many lives of utoronto- i went with curiosity and beaming enthusiasm for friends and teachers. then i walked out the theater with blue, smudging off from my trail, as melancholia filled my heart and brought down the daunting weight of the pursuit of happiness. a young boy from the big field of oklahoma whose life consisted of repeated launchings into the stratosphere of highest euphoria and the consequent crashes, whose life could have been full of- well, i did end up being full of beauty which was sustained through consumption of his own life, overflow

rapture into the bluest water

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https://youtu.be/VWPFqWXSeVM often, feelings come at rather inconvenient times. more one tries to escape, more one gets sucked in, to the bottom of the maelstrom.  in midst of drowning, reality shatters, death- if briefly. today's morning was full of big, heavy wet snow, turning into freezing rain. big flakes being guided by the wind, slapping against the waterproof jacket hood.  hazy, heavy and opaque. not at all calm, menacing, as it continued to pour down these big frozen tears. i often wonder what is going on in midst of something beautiful.  when i see beauty, do you also see beauty? but what do you see? and what do i see? what did anyone else see? it is fleeting, it may not even last long enough to register into one's own consciousness. some days, the familiar beauty, in conjunction with other alertoric passage of the day, becomes too hot to handle- and one falls into the alternate reality- the reality comprised solely of imagination, memories and projection. s

watching the neighbours' contest: and i do admire bernie

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image from twitter http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/10/us/politics/new-hampshire-primary.html 1. glad to see bernie pushing through. if this was back in 2008, i wouldve been in the bandwagon for hilary.  but 8 years later, gratefully, feminism had time to cultivate next generation of girls who are willing to be more inclusive, of other minorities- the poor, undereducated, legally suppressed; this is progress, where women feels less pressure to concentrate all their voting influence for the single reason of female figure(s) visibility.  i understand the older women's frustration, but in contrary, they should be proud of us, the girls, for being able to reach out to larger minority: the have-less, even if that means overseeing age and gender of sanders 2.  trump's lead among the conservatives arent surprising.  he polarizes and other nominees appear to be moderate in comparison to trump, hence the even split on the field among kasich, cruz, bush and rubio.  the real cha

beyonce wins, always, of course!

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http://media.gettyimages.com/photos/beyonce-performs-during-super-bowl-50-between-the-carolina-panthers-picture-id508986958 so there it was, 50th superbowl halftime show, with cold play, bruno mars and beyonce. and yes, YOLA (youth orchestra of los angeles).  shot with new drone cams, i thought it looked bizarre. i personally enjoyed last year's katy perry's show better, but it's probably all to do with the left shark. haha. then the postings started. about how cold play was outshadowed by beyonce. about the weird visual effects from mashing drone feeds with wide cams. and oh. the tragedy of 'underappreciation' for classical music. huh what? so superstar orchestra conductor did not get same visibility as beyonce. YOLA kids did not get their own segment. but with beyonce on program, even coldplay couldnt fight her for the attention.  i wondered why is the conductor even on the side of the stage- as the drummer, heavily amped, was clearly marking beats for

slow transformations

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http://www.musicaltoronto.org/2016/01/21/the-scoop-u-of-t-faculty-of-music-unveils-plans-for-new-concert-hall/ the lone planetarium, which closed its operation back in 1995, may get a second life now, as part of university of toronto expansion; since it sold to utoronto in 2009, many ideas floated around but this winter, a public announcement was finally made about its future: new building for history, islamic studies and music department- possibly a new chamber hall, 250-seats. i hear much complaint that the faculty of music facilities are way out of date and that it is inadequate and that NO ONE CARES. this hurts me a bit, because when people say 'no one cares,' it seems as if people are acting 'as if (they) no longer care,' whatever the reason is. every time i see a broken thing, trashed floor and uncared, tossed garbage at work, i am slightly disappointed.  yes, we grew out of building and we are cramped. it is worn and busy but really, music can happen he

blue monday 2016

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the city of 2.615 million minus one nothing no elation sorrow cold wind on red nose warmth in heart on way home spring in steps on way to work dinner getting cold as it taste of nothing wolfing down every scrap in the fridge because it is improbable that nothing taste of something but that it is the world through a filter bit of a joke so hipster blurry filter imitating the old days muted pixelated artificially aged as if if the days are actually old old enough to be transparent like apparition of leaves once green and alive now transparent golden bristle wings wings that arent attached to anything time flowing without reference dulled senses days and nights rolling into muddle trying to hold onto the beauty that everyone's pointing at may be an anchor drowning slowly perhaps a dream a desiccation a shell left behind

with great gusto, hello 2016!

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mousie from winter 2015 winter journey up to northbay! hullo 2016. there are many posts from 2015, sitting half-done, yawning.  i am holding back in hope that i can tame some of the wordings that may be too provocative, too condemning, too.. whatever. because, after all, the aim of expression through this blog is to explore, rather than defy or repel others. so perhaps i will stick to simple thoughts. today: consumption. i had not such an expensive christmas and i am grateful. i didnt go out shopping,agonizing on gifts, or went on a seasonal whim on surprise found-things. not because i want to be a scooruge, but because there wasnt a need for it. and i was lucky to be able to do so, because people around me are also quite chill about seasonal consumption. thank the lord. i did get a few things for a few people, but it was not necessarily connected to christmas- just things that people needed/wanted and that i wanted to give. we did spend a bit of dough going up to north