a note to a silent brother

driving from west van to your last loadstop, 03 aug 2015

how is it to lose something and never get it back?

how is it to lose something that was never yours to begin with?

how is it to lose something if that 'thing' is always with you?

seven short and long years ago, in middle of the night, 2-230am, you went off the cliff. into the dark sky where the cliff, in its terrifying height, set you off gravity free. your body rattled against the hard metal frame of the car. your skull broken in places.

they say by the time youve blinked, you were no longer there.

i am glad.

i continue to project how life could have been if you did not die.

perhaps you were to be fine, your bright self, witty humour and slight puppy wag to your steps. or may be, you could be a family man by now, having a child or two. recently, ive ran into your old friend at a supermarket. he was with his wife and two young children. may be you wouldve been bringing the children together for a hangout. or perhaps, this accident couldve left you sparkless, bounded without freedom, or may be with a limp or two.

truth is, i do not know.

only thing that i do know is that i continue to speculate. for no specific reason. you tumble into my mind when i do not suspect. every time i sense a full moon (which is EVERY SINGLE ONE haha) you are in it. i remember looking at the first full moon after youve died. it was rather white, cold, crisp and bright.

i still google your last GPS location. on google map. did i tell you that two years ago, in chilly last day of august 2015, jules and i drove through it, to take a look at it? we started the drive from west van. i drove straight from morning rain, and by the time we got to your deadly corner, sun was bright and okanagan was beautiful. though it rained shortly after we got to kelowna.

we talked of you last night before dad's leaving back to korea tomorrow.

dad said may be it's time to forget.

i dont think i will.  nor him. it  is just different, i think.

when you were born, we were 2 years, 2 months, 22 days apart.
that's 814 days for us to be apart.  i was the closest living marker for you. and you were for me.  now, it's been 2557 days since 26 apil 2010. in total, 3371 days without you in my life.  i have lived 13842 days. it's almost quarter of my life days that i live without you in it. 24.35%

i was there, 100% in your life.
from your birthday. till the day i went to pick you up, burn you in a pyre, bring you back home and lower you to the ground. lower you to the depth of the heart.

i run these numbers, looking at varying relations between the dates, markers. birthdays. deathdays. my life. yours. my life with yours. my life with you in it. somehow. even now. and probably continue to be so.

you are like a cat, living in my mind. i draw a box and you get in it.

i miss you, i think. but how could i really miss you if you are still in my heart?

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