conversation with summer 5 pounds

i make some amazing roasts here.

tis summer, and it's a hot one. with loads of sunshine (comparative, in uk, anyhow) and time (ah, the luxury of contract worker lifestyle, lol).  like squirrel with plenty nuts in the holes, i take the summer mostly doing nonconsequential things.

when a friend came to visit me in chinley, he mentioned that my life in the two places are so vastly different, it must be a culture shock, everytime i go back and forth. and i chuckled, because it is true!

the pace of life does change drastically. coming out from the bustle of the end of second semester in the music school calendar, i go into days of unstructured freedom. gone are the days of tight schedule, back to back and running around, sneaking in a quick run to keep myself sane and light on the feet. usually minimal eating, at the end of the day, except for an occasional cold snack or two during the day, lunch happens around 3pm. sleep is also quite skint. but i am happy.

then comes summer. especially this summer, when the stan trips (uzbekistan and tajikisitan) involved hot blazing sun and super slow pace of life, i was stretched out in the old ancient silkroad, like melting piece of gum on the road. that did set the pace for this summer. SLOW.
ive been following a friend's fb post. she's a dear friend and recently she's been writing about her struggle with keeping up with the lifestyle- mainly regarding staying active and healthy. this made me think a bit, each day. then comes floods of people in bikinis in sunshine, beefcakes in glistening sunshine, very carefully sculpted girls smiling with too-many-blinding-white-teeth.

see, in the summer, i always put on a bit of weight. living is good and i have the time to sit and have six meals if i wished. i graze, read slowly, go out on walks-not runs. my runners, which usually covers good 20-30 miles per week, now covers may be an hour of leisurely walk in the rolling hills.

i go to different places, and they all have their delicious food and drinks. yes, even in tajikistan (HAHA; more on that on another posts perhaps...). and like a true enthusiast, i tuck in.  did i also mention im looking forward heading to northern spain later in the month, especially san sebastian, where glorious pinxos and beer/wine flow freely? lol.

i look myself on the mirror. and mirror shows how i am. no lies.

some days i wonder whether i should re-reign myself and go back to yyz-self, keeping self busy, running, watching my weight, watching everything, trying to be grounded.

i grab my side and chuckle at my 'handle.' i must be a good five pounds heavier.

then i remember the days of being a child, a teenager, a university student, a young adult. until i reach 'today.'

being a fat kid as a child wasnt easy. i know the world treats you differently, not even knowing so. and with constant bombardment of 'eating healthy and being active,' which, in my ears, is a disguised push to be that 5% on the top, to be thin, which usually means beautiful, to be uncommon (barbie figure is uncommon, however you cut it), to have lots of hair, to have perfect teeth, great skin, etc., even in the quiet small house out in the peak district, i doubt.

should i return to running? should i go on a fast? should i lose these unnecessary weights? does this make me lazy? failure? unsuccessful?

but i like having the time to make food? to take the (one of the greatest) pleasure of making dinner for me and minnow and guest(s)? to relax and let my belly hang a bit out?

i know that i go back to yyz soon enough. so i tell myself it's really okay to have that extra 5 pounds. it's perhaps a fight back to my other self who wishes to be more competitive, 'successful,' to keep up with the rest of the world.  and i do, so predictably, have been, and probably will, lose that extra bits within the month. it's a cycle. somehow, the yyz monkey does not tolerate that.

meanwhile, i sip my tea and write this musing down. because i want to be able to read it later. perhaps it's my little shoving-off that messages of fictitious, nameless pictures of the summer, where i should be thin and beautiful, sipping on a drinkie outside somewhere, showing off my ribcage lines.

after all, im in late 30s. it's taken me this long to be able to tolerate such indulgence.  it is so easy to say 'enjoy life,' but actually turning blind eye to social pressure isnt too easy.  it does help, however, to have good friends who arent fanatics, haha. so here's a cheer, and im going to go make some breakfast.

i am who i am, even with the extra weight.
and i do live in my skin and it's all going to be okay.
and what would england be without a hot cup of tea and a toasty sausage roll?!

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