idea of return

though i am away, far away from what would be the closest thing to me as a home (i moved around so much here and there that it is becoming almost stupid to determine what home is anymore. if you are asking for a permanent address, i could answer that very easily- but for 'home'? i have no clue) spring is making its slow slow coming back on this side of the hemisphere.

the cyclic nature of certain things in life is very funny. you think for sure, by next year this time (or whatever the uni duration you are using), thing will be different (however it may be, taller, shorter, fatter, skinner, etc etc) or that one will be different (i suppose we all do age somehow. no escaping that at all, understood). so in commemoration of the recent birthday of the wee blog, i went back in time to see what was around last year this time:

and i thought: hmm not such pretty entry there. rather depressing if i may say so. then i wonder,l where am i in the world today? i am still lost and does not know where i am do i... but no, i am not feeling it so strongly as i did a year ago. perhaps a just a vague sense of loss and empty space, despite of many nice things around me. may be i am dreading heading back to toronto, knowing that as familiar as the place is and people are in toronto, my life in toronto really havent had any regular rhythm for a long while. it's always all over the place. bah.

one may think that is a very silly thing to worry about, but i think it's rather real: everything looks familiar yet you dont really recognize or emotionally relate to much things in that bizarre familiar environment! how weird is that. it's like having a massive brain injury. imposter world. i am as much at home in... anywhere really. i find this a tad difficult.

currently am spending a quality time with old friend, from a few chapters ago, in a place we didnt ever thought we would be meeting up. and here we are. and the evening is not too badly cold. it's all walkable and even pleasant by the canadian standard. and the bits of spring send from faraway places which arrived to my eyes through the untouchable, etherial emails were also real. and still real. it's coming around. 'upward and onward.'

so easy to say let your sail be taken by the wind, as wind directs the sail, not the other way around. but perhaps i should just trust it. my only concern is that this sail has perhaps too many holes. for now. but may be it'll be all alright with gentle spring wind. taking the worn boat to a new harbour. or is it the old harbour-

1 comment:

  1. a sail can be angled, directed, to make best use of the wind, and the choice of direction can be yours. you are never helpless. It's possible to sail into the wind, if you tack it right... even with a few holes in the sail.