a day in the life of piano monkey

dear blog, ive been lazy, i know! well, i thought we should have a flexible relationship, ahem, so i waited till there is something interesting to put up... i went and came back from camino de santiago: frances.  it's an old walk that lasts about 800km, going from st. jean pied de port in southern france to santiago de compostela in northwest coast of spain.. well, more on that coming on later (promise!) but that will take time to process... so meanwhile, a doddle entry from the road. much love to you all!

mothers' day is a different one this year it will never be the same a comfort of ritual, of small gathering now broken ripped away furious violation of the young with the old a mother with one less child a mother with a child who have lost a child it is a day that i cannot say happy mother's day happy for what, i may ask- why is it always about happiness the world that is full of possibilities as much as of misfortune suffering grievance of irreplaceable loss of the days of unspeakable feelings for twenty-eight years she have spent in nurturing bickering convincing and convinced for the days- for how long, we do not know she now can only remember reminisce the allure of graspable existence of a lost child deep in her heart each beating moment the mother consoling a child who has lost one of her own two different mothers confined in the same invisible grid of bereavement leans to one another in front of a cemetery plot still fresh without ...

as the semester is quickly rolling off its insanity, now i finally have time to go and do things other than chasing schedules and notes. i learned that one of my fav band, depeche mode, have released a brand new album in march. so i caught up with that. delta machine is breaking my heart. depeche mode always been on top quality for writing, but their lyrics in this little journey of falling in love to manifestation of love, to its inevitable end, is really doing my head in. http://youtu.be/BdEZq6F7SEM ... i couldnt save your soul, i couldnt even take you home i couldnt fill that hole alone... there's a thin grey line between the black and white it's evidently hard to find at night... the idea of being alone after tasting what it is like to be with someone, intertwined and mangled together, that upon separation, the two individuals who has been one, is no longer a whole, but a maimed mess of flesh and blood- and to make matters even more complicated, one of my...

http://youtu.be/86dSerwbIMw death be not proud, from holy sonnets of john donn, set by benjamin britten; ian bostridge and graham johnson *ronandini pieta, 1564 this eve, i will go up north to meet family, now we are five, not six. wait, we are six this evening i think.  the wee one will be with us.  in small fragments, embedded deeply in each heart, continuing to pulse and send the warm blood out, right to the fingertips and little piggies, then back, carrying worries, happiness, disappointment and of course, joy. when i was a kid, i saw my family as: 3 + 3 = 6 three little unruly kids and three adults. when i moved out, i saw it as: 1 + 3 + 2 = 6 me, loner, adults who deemed me crazy and bros years later, then my older bro moved out: 1 + 1 + ( 3+1 ) = 6 gabe never moved out. in fact, he was well on way ton convince the three adults to buy a house with basement apartment, so that he may live like a proper baby brother. then he rolled the car and that was...

Henry Ossawa Tanner, Resurrection of Lazarus, 1896, Public Domain. the shortest verse of the bible intrigues and baffles me: Edákrusen ho Iēsous jesus wept (john 11:35) ?! as a child in sunday school, it was impossible to understand: why would he? he could do anything? and he does?! why are YOU crying? in the story, lazarus, his best bud, is dies.  jesus heard that lazarus is ill, however, got there too late- lazarus was no more. he wept. now, that makes sense. what does not make sense:  then he resurrects lazarus.  in my eyes, jesus had nothing to cry about- may be he mustve cried because the rest were crying- much like bunch of children, when one starts to cry, the rest often joins in.  may be he cried to show that he belonged with them, in common experience of death of lazarus.  but it wasnt like he was never going to see lazarus- didnt he come to talk about afterlife? one must believe in it to convince people about it? if anyone was goin...

http://youtu.be/J_jW5X3szMw  so many thoughts and people wafting through my mind today- like the famous crossings of shibuya, tokyo. as season changes, snow and mountains of workload melts away, to make room for the new. underneath it all, there they were- fragments of pasts and what may become future. the night time solitude draws out the most tender feelings- they hibernated underneath the storm of mundane tasks of daily grind, till the softest new leaf could break through the smallest crack of the proletariat asphalt. though theyve been there for the entire winter, only getting noticed now- carrying the smallest portion of what the stories may have been- who did that toy ring belonged to? did she cry when she lost it? who wouldve tossed that fag end? in frustration or jest? in bravado or with reluctance, knowing that's the last one in the box? they lie naked on the sidewalk, in faded glory.  as people pass it by, stepping on and on. pot of tea sits, 4am bitte...

http://www.reverbnation.com/artist/artist_videos/2938003 *small golden sparks from the tango cafe eve often, after a good bonfire, the ground stays warm over night. an echo that rings through, carrying the sparks of the night well into the back of one's mind, always there, burning bright and effortlessly. the tango cafe event was a roaring success. we packed the venue- probably the most people ed had to pack into gallery 345 ever (so said he!), and we had dancers- through the entire second half. people got up and chatted, held one another in embrace, adored graceful slivers of human life- against all the roughness and the difficulties of daily life.  i find it shocking to think about one's daily 'required' tasks and how violent and vicious they may be- for instance,  eating: mastication: bearing teeth and consuming living things, pulverizing, tearing, swallowing- covered in mucus (saliva), to take things into long and bacteria-ful digestive sys...

on friday, my idea of three concerts in spring will come reality once again, concerto no. 2: tango! with small idea, i got a core group of people interested and the thing just grew (thanks to beautiful soo for being eager and enthusiastic. sometimes when there is a good thing to happen, it's hard to sit still and do the daily mundane... haha), and by friday night rolls, we will have amazing accordion player, gusty bassist, romantic cellist, a young and enthusiastic violinist and older and experienced, yet still enthusiastic violinist,  a quiet yet sharp-humoured guitarist and an unruly monkey on piano. for me, the best thing about being a musician is well, being alive and being able to enjoy certain kind of flexibility. while in school (and working in school), it is easy to forget why all these things matter- practice, assignments, classes, even playing sometimes.  i think it's inevitable- as soon as there are rigid structure, it can either help you to be produ...

'habemus papam.' two antiquated words rang through me as i was walking through manulife centre, bay-bloor radio. i stopped. ah, a new chapter, it arrived with vigor and sense of nice surprise. i worked at a local catholic church from age 14-22.  as the main mass organist, my friday nights were spent with the choir and my sunday mornings were full of sleep and sermons, all at the same time.  it is hard to appreciate at that age, what such tradition may hold, especially if the event is closely linked with pocket money income! i was raised as a catholic, baptised as soon as they could, as i was a preemie and no one wanted to see me run away to purgatory. my name cecilia was chosen by family friend nun at the local parish.  mom was active with the community and we always had church people in and out of the house.  my kindergarten was attached to the church and i went on a bus (couple stops), with two other boys, monday to friday.  as i walk past the sanctuar...

as it's march break, there were many kiddies around... and as i got my hair cut, i was running around town. and as always, with open ears. couple funny things that i overheard: A: --but that audi has four cylinders! B: but what about the torque? - both kids were no older than 10 years old, i swear. A: but it was a quiet one! B: dude, silent fart still is a fart, even when it doesnt sing... - somewhere on bloor st. west, two boys. A: - so i got 62%, i thought i would get 65% and pass, B: well, i donno what to say- A: what did you get? B: i dont read numbers, i just look at the letter grade, C- A: he said average was 73%? B: yeah, so many people did worse than us! *passer-by man shakes head violently. -right through ryerson campus

1. you think i have control issue (fair) 2. may be it's because you also have control issue? (i think very fair) because, you see, if you are not trying to control me, perhaps you would not think im trying to control you.... this makes me feel inquisitive (what am i doing?) and silly (eeeek. didnt mean to be oppressive). perhaps the balance is in accepting the fact we all have desires and ideas and we need to let certain decisions to be made, if brutally put, regardless of individual principles.  however, i will try to not forget that if someone finds another oppressive, perhaps it's a mutual situation. heck, it's usually a mutual situation. after all, we care because we love. including conflicts, ha! loads love! :)

i will show you how i am put together pieces of scarps and bits that haven't been fed to the dogs. incomplete, just a bit short of who i wish to be. a superhero or a rock star wish i had something amazing worthwhile to show you, which i do not have. i the stringy bits of desperate efforts stand here wishing that i blended to the walls so that it is not visible how broken i am but there you are looking right at me in the eyes not speaking or judging but acknowledging. thank you.

ive been doing much work and my brain has been rattled when i get home- not a great situation for writing blog post. and i have missed writing greatly. there has been so many wonderful rehearsals, new and old friends, etc. even concerts! and it just flew by! what a shame... so before i forget more stuff, here are some thoughts regarding audition process. the grad audition weeks were quite demanding- i accompanied about 29 grad auditions. however, i do enjoy this season immensely- people have been preparing to be at their best and i do like being part of this exciting process! and if there are things i can add or suggest that may allow the player to be more of 'who they are that day,' i am a happy monkey! :) 1. always, always double check the requirement.  if they are asking for full-concerto (apparently mcgill did, this year), do prepare the whole thing. if they say no repeats, well, dont bother.  not being able to tailor your program means that you either did not read t...

01.03.13. what a nice day it was! after running around doing auditions, masterclasses and course work, my friend and i decided that it's time to do a wee concert... so we did! and here's a small vid clip from it. nikolai kapustin, a ukrainian composer who does jazz for classical peeps, wrote three very enjoyable works for cello-piano one year (1999) and burlesque is the the most unruly one... we will be doing the whole set on 22 april tuesday, 2013 at gallery 345- stay tuned! what an exciting adventure...!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi-Nxv8411o&feature=share&list=PLK1gUy8DgcGXPWhdMaa1DlEzvCAFPpSfo im snug in the mountains today, staying quiet in the blanket of brightest and warmest sun during the day, now surrouned by the dark blue soft curtains of mountain nights- with stars which continue to appear as one continue to gaze into the endless sky. yesterday was a friday, a peak day in banff centre- friday night concert is a big celebration. it seems somewhat silly to say so, but it really is! people come to the mountains. and artists give little gifts- the gifts of music, given to us from the composers and writers, taken with care and nurtured, now presented if shyly to the audiences, who takes them with child-like eagerness and appreciation. i was lucky and privileged to take part in the concert- after all, because im here for very very short sojourn, it became really dear to me to play in the rolston hall.  with a guiding help, a lesson on tuesday ...

nights come quietly in the mountains. with trails of silver mist and fairest snow flakes, the dusk falls on the fragments of the day's sun- and without any announcement, it is here- night. in 2009, for both residencies, i was fortunate to have late practice buddies.  we mainly left notes on one another's doors, encouraging, nudging and joking all the way through the night, looking into this craft of arts, hoping to get closer to it, as the air cooled and the stars came up. after all these time, here i am once again, writing in the night, surrounded by big, monumental mountains. elemental. primeval.  though this time, the stay is short and i am night-buddy-less. that's alright- especially in company of greats such as mozart, poulenc... today i witnessed live arts- at the mid week series @ rolston hall. the residents show themselves to the public in many different concerts here- self-directed concerts, midweek wednesday concert, the big friday concert and yes, can...

yep. banff centre. frozen winter beauty. cannot be happier. after finishing my doctoral degree, i went and got a job at the local starbucks. i thought music business is too complicated, politically draining and the rate of success is abysmal. a kind soul saw that and threw me across the country half way to the banff centre for arts, to play the piano for the residency program participants. for most of year 2009, i was here, in the mountains, relearning about self- about what music is, who i am, what makes me happy, what i can and cannot to, etc.  after three residencies (winter, summer and fall), i was a new person. a new person with new family- yes, we are far apart most of the time, but the connections are real. this is where the magic happens. i am here for a very very short visit, just short of ten days. and being here makes me feel as if ive been punched on the stomach. so many vivid memories, thoughts, recollections, ideas, inspirations, all things that mak...

it's been a real busy period since i came back from lazy, stretched-out, belly-scratching winter break in the hazy hills of uk (saturated with rain, of course...); not that i was suffering! i was quite excited to get back into it.  you see, i believe in 'leaving things faraway' at times- just like that gigantic lindt chocolate bar, it's always better when you come back to it (rather than hogging it all throughout to the end) after the week of semi-calm (pressed and stained with many notes and administrative stuff), wknd of 19/20 january was an eventful one: 1.  utoronto symphony orchestra concerto competition- i accompanied five hard working kiddies. i am proud to say two of them not only made it to the final, but they are the winners- congrats to mike dassios (clarinet) performing nielsen clarinet concerto and biancak chambul (bassoon) performing mozart concerto.  it always is a great feeling. not to forget that little young lady ms. luzin had one of the panel me...

(adolphe willette, pierrot dances beneath the moon; detail of cartoon frm le chat noir, jan 17, 1885)  ...i suppose the weight of- or rather, the emptiness of (departed life friend) weighs heavy on your heart on such times. it does make me curious to think why or how the weather does it. toronto's been covered in snow and it does funny things to my heart, especially with he space i keep for my brother. like empty corner in a busy room, it often gets cluttered with other things, however, it is always there. just for him. the moon does it as well (darn you moon!) for me- i was in charge of getting him back home (he died far away in west coast) and helping fam with funeral, i didnt really have the room to break things down and depressurize. but it did come, couple weeks later, in june, in full moon. and as it approaches another full moon on 26th, i quietly clean away that corner again, so i may sit in the middle of it and let thoughts of him sit with me still. it is unavoidab...

dearest blog, i am sorry ive been away for so long! it's been absolutely crazy and i have so many stories, pictures and thoughts- perhaps we will get a change to catch up when i am back in the mountains this saturday. but yes, you are still in my mind (and yes, you, readers) hope everyone's having a grand start to year 2013- and yes, it's still january- fly high with hopes, much love to all!!