a day in the life of piano monkey

they say: 21/90. takes 21 days to freshly form a habit, and additional 90 days to make it a life change. 15124. days with granny. last night, i flash thought: should call her. havent called her in awhile. then flash reaction: that is no longer necessary. 8. days since she's left. most of the time, it takes much time to unlearn a 'thing,' whatever it is.  and sometimes, it is quite impossible.  i still think of texting gabe at times. i guess i will still think of calling granny for awhile. expectations help us build a frame in our minds. and we hold onto those expectations, because what we know is just what we think we know, especially in the matters of life.  it's nice to have contrary stuff, just to peg things into place, as our minds wander, make stuff up, and justifies everything without even a slight consultation with consciousness. then- we adjust. we all do. sometimes we resist.  sometimes we just dont know. i will find out, how this is all going to turn out. h...

i went to see her early today and one of the things i asked was: when i grow up, what kind of person would you like me to be? she said: of course, you are already good, but you could work hard to become super-famous pianist and be gentle-hearted. i said: you cant really be gentle-hearted and powerful at the same time (chuckle) she said: really? i see... i said: pick one! she said: then.... be the very best gentle-hearted person you can be. i was going to return tomorrow morning early at 8am, so i can get some work done later in the day. at 6pm, i put on mahler 9th and felt restless. so i decided to take a bath. while the water ran, i debated whether i should go back to see her then. out of a blue. a dense nudge in the heart. i did not. but i did search for 'how to give bath to seniors.' thought it would be nice to give her a bath, if possible- i bet she hasnt had one in awhile, and she used to love it. then around 8, mom called. the universe as i known it, shattered itself in a...

whenever i used to go visit granny, i used to bring whole bunch of snacks. snacks that i like. snacks that she likes. snacks that she can shower the entire home friends and staff with. but as she isnt eating, snacks arent really an option anymore.  she's drinking some fluids and some loose mixtures, but that's about it. ive been bringing her snacks since i started to make my own money back at age 13. and now what? and as she's curling her tail, there isnt much stuff i could get for her. it's all unnecessary. it's amazing how many things can quickly become unnecessary.  ive joined a social media group about slow medicine, a practice in walking with persons in their last steps.  and i learned small things, like combing her hair, is a nice sensory experience. and ive been pouring over their suggestions. and a few suggested 'scents.' she's now put her anchor in her room. i dont think she'll get out of that little room much. she's got a big window and...

why does the very basic idea of living, then dying bring so much noise? and how is that certain huge noise can bring so much calmness, in contrast? this week, i had my first parking ticket, and first 'ding' on a car. in the middle of backing up the car to head out, i was thinking about the fact that ive been asked to not to stay long, or come by often, if i could help it- rising covid numbers mean stricter lockdown for granny's home. im half tempted to bring her here where i live, but that really is a stupid idea, my brain says. so that's a no. they are able to check on her at least once an hour, and i- well, i cannot do that.  noisy. or is it that i wont do that?  what am i now? meatloaf? so noisy. i also had my very first MRI. it's fancy living in downtown, walking to your 6am MRI appt. during about 50 min of shoulders MRI, i totally tripped out in midst of huge noise chain. in that white tube, with magnetic resonance so loud and powerful (it did feel super weird-...

i combed her hair today.  i didnt realize how much quiet joy it brought her. probably because i never have to comb my hair since 2000-01. i chopped it all off at once. she kept saying 'your arms are going to get tired.' i kept saying 'im counting.' one. two. three. four. then i would forget what number im to be on. so we stayed on doing that for awhile. see, my memorable childhood hair moments were rather hysterical.  there were times where someone (mom or granny, doesnt matter, they were in this together), brought me to a local hair place, and they permed my hair to michael jackson curls- looking very much like a joke. that was something that i tried to protest actively and futilely.  then there were times where my hair was being braided by someone angry (as 'she' would be behind me, i cant remember who it wouldve been- may be both HA HA HA)- so french braid being done, the comb. digging. into. head. every. stroke. tears. welled. up.   there were a few bowl cut...

walking with a kid usually means holding hands. one big one, one itty one. sitting down with a granny usually means holding hands. one big one, one itty one. i dont think theres been any time that i can remember, that we had same sized hands, ever. it just went, in a blink, small to large, then large to small. one day, my hands were just larger. and stronger. granny used say that i should try to keep my hands long and pretty, like a good piano player. i always worked with my hands, and ended up having a big palm, where the base of the palm is bigger than the rest of the hand. granny worked her needles and scissors with her hands, a seamstress who fed 5 little composite family- her, my dad, her sister in law, and 3 nephew/nieces. so many stitches and loops, buttons and zippers, she wouldve touched and touched again. and one day, i realized that her hands are teeny.  her rings start to fall out- then she would wrap strings around the ring to buff it up. and her nails became hard, and...

my friends know that i like to gift people with cuttings and potted plants. the idea is that... it goes onto be nurtured by the recipient, and if life is kind, that 'thing' will be alive, become 'some'thing/'some'one, and we go onto cultivate this 'relationship.' but today, i bought cut flowers. when people stop eating solid, active dying phase isnt too far. and bringing her flowers would be rather uncalled for this particular relationship at this time. the shop was full of bright, shouty flowers. chrismas! (serious) halloween! fall bounties! birthdays! congratulations! etc! it looked like i was going to fail to find something that is 'right' for today. i sighed. i suppose i was celebrating granny in a sense she got out of the hospital.  i really thought that she may die in the hospital (as tired as she was), and i asked a gigantic favour, that she somehow gets out of there, and die at her usual place. unless, she really is at 'empty.' so...

news of the day: nursing home is temporarily waving covid testing result requirement on doctor's recommendation (result likely to be in laaaaate afternoon tmrw) so a visit up north to see you tmrw morning, granny. not enough time to actually do anything to get ready, so here i am, scraping stuff together haha. but just in case, shouldnt keep you waiting. trying to cut straight lines and trying to glue stuff neatly. like when i was a little kid. i once cut some paper with granny's sewing scissors. i only did it once cuz i met god in a granny smack, and god said: no sewing scissors on paper, child. flashed back to life, and since then, only paper scissors on papers. mantra practice day 1: ballpoint pen.

tonight, dusk. hey blog, long time no see. i didnt have much thoughts that i wanted to write down. 2020 so far, has been mildly irritating, rather than truly provoking or even really enraging. but here we are. my granny's dying.  tomorrow would be just about 4 weeks since she went into a local hospital with colitis. but with prolonged stay and consequent isolation from everything/everyone (she hardly speaks english), and covid-19 protocol making it impossible for any of us to really go in and see her,   i feel that she's decided to curl her tails and get ready for the end.  after all, from the autumn equinox, to the winter solstice, it's a long gradient of 'end.' there were much phone chasing, 3-way calls, the usual immigrant family logistics when navigating complicated settings. it was unpleasant. and that is okay. but somewhere during that time, she's turned a corner, and now she's slowly disappearing. she's out, and back to her home. and she is no lon...

this morning, i headed to the local loblaws early, trying to get some milk; i dont drink milk, but housemate does. and as he's got such crap immunity, i thought i would go get it for him.  shop was bit mad, and everyone was crossed that things move 'so slow.' *glad i dont have to go into that shop for awhile. there's LOTS of entitlement going on, lol. when i got to the cashier, i realized that i could not find my grocery bag. so i paid for stuff, and then went back into the shop, looking for this bag. it was nowhere to be found, after doing 3 full round of the whole shop, so i left. i asked at the main office of my building, to see if anyone had picked up an orange reusable bag with a doggie on it, and by chance, a contract worker who was chilling by the lobby said he's seen it. 'ive seen you go out today, and there was an orange cloth bag at the back. and a caretaker picked it up and put it in one of the garbage steel dump load.' he came out with ...

:christ washing the disciples' feet, tintoretto https://youtu.be/WyqdRfRXKW0 in this time of weirdness, lots of things changed. instead of mad ride through rehearsals, juries and concerts, i am largely unoccupied. unoccupied, meaning unemployed, unutilized, perhaps even unawake. instead of running fast to put in that obligatory 5k run first thing in the morning, i am walking, somewhat aimlessly, slow, with lots of time to look around, seeing things that i havent seen YET in all places that i thought i knew, and finding new places that i have never seen. i knew about some foodbanks around my area, but i have never seen the line up. till last week. i did a shift at local community kitchen today. this is the first time in a long while that i could chip in physically. i usually send money, as it's easy, and i dont have to be there. it's been said, that the most important thing is to be there. i wasnt, cuz i was busy. im a seasonal worker. it would be really c...

i went on a long walk today (to cherry beach to k town and back). then eventually i had to look for a bathroom. every public space is shut, and even park bathrooms are shut (thanks assholes for getting the parks shut). i literally begged a few coffee shops that were open, but they all sited city regulation and pointed to the door.  a kind man operating a small subway shop took a pity on me, and gave me a coin, and told me to open the lock and use the bathroom- and that he never opened it for me.  since i couldnt give back the coin, i bought a drink and left a good tip. he literally saved my day. we talked about how terrible it is for small businesses and homeless. he said 'coin trick' was the only thing he could think of to share with the homeless. i think of what's going to happen to homeless. i wonder what people actually do in long runs. i wonder how his little sub shop will do- as it's usually the cheapest option for the mass, and obvious with george brow...

things changed pretty fast since last sunday, and yyz is quiet. covid lockdown. just like that (bit amazing really), my calendar became empty and visitors were cancelled, and i am left with no-task days. then i remind self that i do this every summer. by being in long distance relationship, i choose to spend time in uk during summer, and so once i leave, it's just days of 'freedom.' i try to run everyday, and do some remote work, eat lots and be mostly empty in the head. this somehow, is also quite similiar to the camino de santiago. i questioned myself a few times, whathell am i doing there? but mostly you wake, pack, put shoes on, and go. i walked mostly by myself. that was okay too. the difference i see now is that many of my lovely peeps (and myself) werent prepared for this 'break,' and that suddenly, we are all doing it. whether it be not being able to see family and loved ones, being at home with ones to care for, and probably most pressing, cash ...

i havent wrote blogs in awhile. partly because writing for ludwig van toronto has been fulfilling that need to write, and that writing to teh world can be a tiring thing, especially when there are potentials for arguments and contempt. but here is another one, hooray, happy 2020! at the gym today, i was trying to crush down 100 flights of stairs under 13 min, it is not super fast but it does take it out of me.  for last 2 min, i was holding onto the handrail, with horrible form, back stretched, and knees not underneath my body. i knew my form was horrid, but hey, just 4-5 more flights to go so, and somehow, like video game, i had to try to crush those numbers. silly me. then an older man appeared and stopped by me while i was publicly dying. man: your form will hurt your back me: thanks. and then he stood there, expecting- then he spoke again, man: it's better for you to go slower with better form me: thanks. what was he expecting? me to stop and correct my form? to immedi...

subbing at a church service is much fun gig for me. as i no longer have a regular church job, it's been great going around town and fill-in for different congregation and denominations over the years. the funny thing is that playing the music is the easiest part, HAHA. every service is slightly different, and every church/choir/peeps do something bit different. yet because it's a sunday service, often, they all know WHAT TO DO, except me, the fill-in.  so sometimes things get exponentially silly, and today was one of those! 1. st. clair-lawrence bus: i got up early enough to do 5k run before the service. totes forgot to check it was the subway-bus day. check google, should make it just on the nose. system dawdles. and i make it with 1 min to spare. post-work out dash. 2. choir warm-up/review for service: goes smashing well. get into a discussion with a member about rando thing while making notes on bulletin for the day *ex. what to sing, where i play, what's spoken,...

thom yorke, cred: MediaPunch/REX/Shutterstock so this thom yorke anima tour was amazing. https://youtu.be/YNYJ_BJJbzI the visuals are stunning. even from scotia arena non-premium seat, the video was amazing.  this is the first time ive been convinced that video can be art- like, not just a medium carrying messages, but could be an abstract artistic discipline of its own. supposedly inspired by flying lotus (whos also doing a 3D show this year), i think anima's done what flying lotus wanted to do- a magic mashup of audio/video. (yes, i did go to the flying lotus show...) with these amazing videos (content-wise and technically)- if kandinsky, miro and klee had seen shows like this, and had options to do similar thing, would theyve stuck to the flat, still 2D world? a virtual palette where you can have any shades at any gradation available? true white light and true black? only thing that is missing is texture... honestly the most beautiful videos ive seen in a LONG...

https://youtu.be/HszfdNS0JSc there once was a lady who really wanted to sing. so she put her best effort and sang. and years later (now75 years after her death), she is mostly remembered- through people laughing and ridiculing her life. i dont really get the ridicule she receives. it is what we would equate as 'personal projects' today, and as such, people can either take it or leave it. she loved singing so much that she pursued it as seriously as she could, and created outputs which no one's forced to take, yet so many people take such joy pointing finger at 'how bad she is.' honestly, how many of us wouldve put in that much effort into a 'passion project?' so much schaudenfreuden from bitter average/below-average human beings- this is what i see. i tried watching the movie with meryl streep, but i couldnt finish it. it just hurt so much to watch things falling apart. people taking whatever they can take away from her, giving her false o...

eating while travelling is quite a topic. it is exciting, and sometimes downright sketchy/dangerous. haha. since i came back, ive been cooking. i realize that even at grocery shops, i was buying cooking materials than ready-to-eat-things.  as an extension of cooking my dinner at 10pm in toronto school days, i do take much joy in making food for myself and others. it's nothing fancy but i like it, and it tends to be good for my system (certain element repetition makes it easier for body to work with it). when i thought of being away for 40~ days, one of the first thoughts were: crap, what am i going to eat. i do enjoy the variety and the wealth of choices for food when im travelling. yes, it is one of the big joys of being away.  however, it can be quite tiresome- all that sugar, salt and fat, all the time.  especially in commercial, quick food.  as nice as it is to eat out 'quality' food at a great restos, it is simply not feasible (budget-wise and mentally)....

whenever i get to a new place, people were asking how i would find it.  and funny enough, the answers i had were probably unexpected... it usually involved the ambient sound and smells.  you see, with the globalization and the hyper-focus on visualization of EVERYTHING, we are almost too used to the images.  well, i am.  for instance, when i was at the shibuya crossing, it felt a bit weird- like ive been there before. but of course, ive been there before, through countless screens, many times. perhaps ive seen it more often than i have seen the middle of high park in toronto. so what i remember is the information that was never on those images- the smells, the slight air movement, the energy of the crowd. shibuya was fairly quiet for its density, though the wind never really stopped. the smell of transport exhaust and the slightly damp ground hit me right on the face as i got out of the subway stop.  similar thing in hong kong.  i landed in hongko...

hullo blog, it's been a good awhile... during the semester, it felt a bit too crowded to write anything, and during travel, it felt a bit too crazy to write anything. but as i, fortunately and thankfully, am back in chinley hermitdom, it would be nice to unfurl the thoughts from last few weeks. i left toronto, then scuttled through vancouver, japan, south korea, hong kong, macau, then finally to uk (for now). it's a nice point of pause. during those steps, i met my 40th birthday, and it was a rather a nice feeling- that it was good, and it will continue to be good, whatever 'it' may be.  i saw many things and it's almost too much to process as things went on.  perhaps the best way to do this is to start somewhere- and then it will go however as it needs to. for minimalist-life-style-strivers, it would be a great practice to backpack for awhile, and stay at little rabbit-hutch hostels. with a big and small backpack (may be total of 35L?), i had enough stuff to ...